Inside my World

Hi Space Friends!

It seems like FOREVER since I shared my life with you. I have truly missed you. Thanks for leaving me your loving notes.

I made some personal decisions, followed my heart and listened to my inner voice. These decisions have effected my life in positive ways. I stopped blogging in order to see if staying off the computer screen would help heal my eyes, if that were possible.  I could not stay completely away from the computer because I am a professional photographer and have no choice. I NOW have a part time assistant, Dan, and he is a huge help. I also have some personal friends who have brain tumors and other trials and I concentrated on helping and encouraging them.

When my vision was the worst, I was wearing high powered glasses and they helped sometimes. I panicked without them. I am "light blind" which means "lights" hurt my eyes and I wear sunglasses most of the time. More people who are blind are "light Blind" then seeing dark.

I was very discouraged because this limited my life and took away the independence I have fought so hard for all my life. I wanted to jump in a car and drive anywhere at anytime I wanted. I went to a friend of mine who is part Cherokee Indian and a natural healer and I asked her if there was anything I could do to bring energy and healing to my eyes. I told her that the pressure wasn't coming back and the doctor was puzzled to why this was. She said that I needed to do two things.

1. Take the powerful glasses off and allow my eyes to heal on their own. That made sense, so I took them off even though it put me back a little. 

2. She told me to dance as often as I could and I have done that. I dance alone in the cottage, in the fields and am now taking my second course in ballroom dancing. YEAH!! They dim the dance floor just for me so it doesn't hurt my eyes.

Pics of a client

My The Third Eye and the Pineal Gland is very powerful and it feels the picture. A fact from a pro...feeling is more important than clarity in photography and that applies to other things in life. If the photographer feels, the feeling embeds in the image.

My focus would change from day to day, according to how long I was in bright light, on the computer, how many pictures I took, if I cried hard...lots of circumstances. Each day unexpected. Very frustrating and at times I would want to scream. Deep inside I felt I had been given a gift of knowledge and I have been given a chance to share it with the world and give hope, so I kept on and kept on and I never considered quitting even though a few "friends" encouraged me to do so and to find another profession. I got rid of those "friends" quickly. My life expanded with that action.

My vision has improved to the degree that I am able to drive safely at certain times with very special sunglasses that were specifically made for me. This is HUGE. My gratitude can fill oceans.

There is so much more I want to share but it will be too long. I am glad to be back. I can't wait to catch up with you, space friends and share once again our sorrows, joys and triumphs and pictures of the people and things we  value . 

with love,

Julieann

Guess what? I got a dog! His name is Foxy.

I have been waiting years for another little friend. I will put pictures up of him and his first day on the farm when to my shock, some of the horses attacked poor Foxy. I have never seen this before. I will add them to the blog later after I have rested my eyes.

“To the attentive eye, each moment of the year has its own beauty, and in the same field, it beholds, every hour, a picture which was never seen before, and which shall never be seen again”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Happy New Year, Space Friends!!!

I know I haven't blogged since October. I really didn't know what to say because one thing came after another and when I wanted to write about a situation or an event, like a jack in the box, another would pop up. Many times I sat down to write and I was too exhausted to finish it. I am sure many of you know what I am talking about.

Sometimes, I would look at my blog or the guest book and see people I knew and loved and new visitors and I would want to write back but there were so many people, I knew it would take half a day to visit and I never found that half day. Please don't think I take any of you for granted. I am so grateful for the kind words and hellos.

I have had some interesting professional shoots in my photography and have worked in unusual situations, to say the least and have some interesting observations on life, relationships, nature, church, strangers, new friends and the agony of betrayal and the joy of loyalty. This past year I have let go of some people and welcomed new people into my life. I will always take the risk of finding real and authentic people. They are out there.

Right now, I just want to say "Happy New Year!!!" to all those I love and who love me. I hope you are looking forward to 2008 and I am sorry for all the personal loss you experienced in 2007. There are so many who have suffered this past year and I am sorry.

Here's to another year...another breath...another chance...new beginnings and spiritual prosperity.

Salute!!!!!!!

always...Julieann...always

This month, my baby girl, Lindsay Erin, turned twenty-five. I have four daughters and one son and four grandchildren. My oldest is 37 and my oldest grand-daughter , Alexia, turned 15 this month.

I wanted to do something really fun with Lindsay and so I met her at a very popular restaurant downtown Atlanta, call T.J. Thomas. It is a funky place and has lots of cool things, like birds.

I arrived before Lindsay and I asked Mr. Thomas if he could do anything special for my daughter. He thought for half a second and disappeared and came out with all these birds. I laughed out loud because it was so outrageous, just like me. I even took my sunglasses off but I couldn't do it for very long because the light was painful.

Lindsay walked into the place and looked around for me and heard this voice singing "Happy Bird-day to you...Happy Bird-day to you...Happy Bird-day dear Lindsay, Happy Bird-day to you!" She couldn't believe her eyes.

I was covered with birds. She stood there and laughed and laughed and said "Only you, Mom!" Everyone in the restaurant applauded and then Mr. Thomas put birds all over the two of us and some really nice guy at the next table took the pictures.

I gave her the book "How to live Juicy" and a CD with my favorite songs because we have the same taste. We had a fantastic time and there was no doubt in anyone's mind that we had a special relationship with intimacy, fun and silliness. Why would anyone want to live an ordinary life when it can be EXTRODINARY and JUICY?

Lindsay is very successful by my definition of success and she did it all on her own. She is one of the most determined young women I know. She doesn't know the word NO. Of course, apples don't fall far from the tree. Life wasn't that easy for Lindsay, having a father who was a minister and a mother who was a free spirited artist. Being a preacher's kid is tough and having the church watch you all the time. She has fared well though. She is an amazing artist. For my birthday in July, she gave me this book she made for me. I wish you could see it in person because this doesn't do it justice. I TREASURE this book. I was going to take the part out when she said I was pretty so I didn't look like I was bragging but HEY if your kid thinks you are pretty...FLAUNT it because kids don't always say these things out loud. Pretty is what pretty does and Lindsay does it...trust me on that.

Well, I wanted to share this with my space friends to reassure them that I LOVE my life even though I have limitations and challenges. Who doesn't? I hope that all of you have Happy Bird-days this year even if you have had some sad ones. We all do. You are not alone.

May the bird be with you this year and may you spread your wings and fly into the next year and be glad we have been given another to change the things we can and accept the things we can't, with dignity and grace.

A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey, but a woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey that she will become strong.

Hello from the beach!

Hi everyone! I have been at the west coast beach of Florida, near the panhandle, for the last two weeks. I came with my Dutch friends, Annelies and Bernard. They live not too far from the farm and we do lots of things together. They take me sailing on beautiful Lanier and are teaching me how to sail. They wait until late afternoon so my eyes can handle the light.

.They also take me biking  down beautiful trails in Georgia. They help me when I cycle and tell me when there is a crack or bump in the road and I seem to do very well.

I had an opportunity to invite them to the beach to just get away for awhile and to enjoy the sun and ride our bikes into the darling little quaint town in Seagrove, which is not too far from the rented house. I really really love them. They have been married for 45 years and are the most amazing example of a marriage that is vibrant and alive. I just love to watch them. We sit around at night and play the game Parcheesi and watch old black and white movies or we take walks on the beach or catch a play in town.

 They are intellects and we have incredible discussions on all kinds of topics. We cook, drink wine and laugh a lot. I film them doing the Tango on the living room floor or on the beach. Sometimes, I dance with one or the other. They are good for my soul. They love the arts and are artists themselves. Bernard is a gifted painter and Annelies makes beautiful quilts and other things with fabric. We have a lot in common. Mostly it’s their view that all humans have worth and dignity and are to be treated as such.

They came here to be with me because October is my tough month, when tragedy and death have visited me in my past. To have friends sit in the space you are in whether it be sadness, illness or celebrating is one of the greatest gifts there is. Pain shared cuts in half.

I was so shocked when I got a personal e-mail congratulating me on being featured on MSN. I feel so honored and reading  all these comments from new people and others who have lost their vision or are visually challenged, makes this not so scary. 

I have a little time to catch up here and share some juicy stories.

always...Julieann...always

Hi Everyone!

Someone asked me at a dinner party about a month ago, "Juicy, have you always been so wild?" The woman was close to seventy and was a very respected horse trainer. Everyone at the table, about 12, stopped talking when she asked this. I looked at everyone and said, "Do you all think I am wild?" They all nodded their heads yes and one said "Hell yes!" I asked the woman what she meant by "wild."

She said "So passinate...so alive...so energetic...so affectionate." I laughed because I almost took this as an insult thinking she meant slutty or something negative and realized she meant it in a positive way. I told everyone that I didn't think of myself as being wild but I did think most people are kinda dried up, boring and that they sold themselves out somewhere along the way. Everyone agreed and it led to an interesting discussion.

I believe that because I suffer from PTSS that it has enhanced me in a way that wouldn't be there unless I had known trauma. I see things differently. I feel love more deeply, kindness, goodness and I  embrace it fully when I come upon these moments. Because I have known black despair, I see and appreciate the white moments. I am grateful to have been given another go-around...so to speak.  I think ingratitude is the unforgivable sin. I am so grateful that it has made me wild with gratitude. I hope everyone can feel this alive. Some of us have been given another chance and so let's live it wildly and dance.

By the way, I took my first dance lesson a little more than a month ago. I used to be a really good dancer in jr high and high school.  My first husband was insanely jealous and possessive. If a guy looked at me as if he thought I was attractive, my Sicilian husband would reach under his three piece pin-striped suit and pull a gun out of his holster and point it at him and threaten him because he looked at his wife "with lust." I was a Soprano wife.

Since I have been single for the last ten years, I have had several very attractive boyfriends who wanted to take me dancing. I panicked each time and I just couldn't do it. I have wanted so much to get through this barrier.

An Indian woman friend of mine told me that if I wanted to have healing in my eyes, I should dance. She said "Dance as often as you can. Your eyes will get better. I remembered this slide show I made where I took all these sea birds and put them to this song like they were line dancing and stuff. I have always liked to watch people dance and letting go. if you would like to watch it, just click  Everybody Dance Now.

I met someone who is very special.  One of the sweetest men I have ever known.. He arranged for me to have lessons and I am being taught in the dark, with no lights on. It's so much easier to dance without looking at the steps in front of you and let your body feel the music. It's good and healthy to feel senuous, to feel wild and passinate, no matter what your age. Allow yourself to be loved just because you are you. Don't settle for anything less. Dancing in the dark is as close to the stars as you can get and suddenly you start to shine and you dance on and never look back. You just have to be willing to take that first step.

I have done some other REALLY different things in my life lately. I am going to share them with you later because the computer screen hurts my eyes right now. My life style has changed and I feel something wonderful occurring within me as if I am going through a new and better passageway.

I have to leave right now. I have taken up cycling and am going with a friend down to the beautiful river and ride by it as the sun comes up. When it is dark, it is impossible for me to see so I need help and verbal instructions, like "Watch out!!! There is a wall in front of you!

I was on Tybee Island Beach and saw this couple who were very much in love. She was taking Tango lessons and was a beginner. He was really good. I asked them if they would do the Tango and dance in the sand early in the morning. when the sun is coming ip. They said "Sure! We would LOVE that!!" So they met me and I took these pictures and put them to music and gave it to them as a present. They both went to Boston University. Very much in love!!!!! I LOVE WHAT I DO!!!!!!   I do WHATEVER I WANT and I GIVE WHENEVER I CAN and I LOVE WITH ALL MY HEART...always and forever, sick or well, blind or sighted, sighted or blind.... Come and enjoy this moment I had with these two wonderful and passinate people. Sand Dancing

P.S. In my last blog, I wrote about having an "Atonement" with my ex husband. Since I wrote that, his ex wife, the one he got his 8 year marriage annulled from because she did not have a biblical divorce, called me and shared with me some things that my husband was saying and has been doing. I thought I couldn't be shocked anymore but I was.  And I learned other things that other family members have said. So all hell broke loose. No screaming on my part but a new "understanding" I have now. All I can say is Watch out when two ex-wives get together and share notes. Wish I could give you a "happily ever after " but it's life. it is what it is.

Seeing with better eyes "We can recognize that the offender 
is a valuable human being who struggles with the same needs, 
pressures, and confusions that we struggle with. We will recognize 
that the incident really may not have been about us in the first place. 
Instead it was about the wrongdoer’s misguided attempt to meet his 
or her own needs. 
As we regard offenders from this point of view 
(regardless of whether they repent and regardless of what
they have done or suffered), 
we will be in a position to forgive them.

Holmgren

It is freeing to become aware that we do not have to be victims of our past 
and can learn new ways of responding. But there is a step beyond 
this recognition... It is the step of forgiveness. Forgiveness is love 
practiced among people who love poorly. It sets us free without 
wanting anything in return.

Henry Nouwen

I have been going through a mighty struggle within myself.  I was sitting on the porch of my cottage a few mornings ago, watching the sun rise and the birds appearing one by one. It has been really hot here and so I take full advantage of the early morning coolness before the heat impregnates it.

I have been obsessed with watching the hummingbirds everyday trying to drink from their feeder with the wasps and bees taking it over. I have sat for hours with my telephoto lens, clicking hundreds of pictures of the birds and the insects trying to replenish themselves with the sugared water. I have held my breath, hoping that the little hummingbird doesn't get stung. I have asked so many people "Can a hummingbird get stung and if it does, can it die?" Seems like no one has seen it happen but they think so.

So I have been clicking picture after picture and blowing it up on my screen to see what exactly is going on. I have some really cool pictures to put up for you to see that will surprise and amaze you like they have me. I can't put them up yet because I have not converted them to small files.

What really shocked me were several dozen images of the hummingbird, the wasps and the bees all drinking at the same time. I sighed when I saw it and thought "It's about time they all got along and made peace with each other." That caused me to think "Have I made peace with those who have stung me?"  The other question that I am always asking myself is "What can I do on this earth to make my children's lifes better?"

Their father and step-father, my ex-husband and I ( the preacher) have not really spoken very much for 12 years. I have wanted the two of us to be at the children's functions, like graduating, birthdays, grand-babies being born and any of their celebrations but he hasn't agreed to this for whatever reasons. It must be too painful and bitter still. He hurt me and I hurt him.

As I saw the bird and stinging insects drinking together, I thought, "Its time. It's time for an atonement. To make peace and do the right thing."

My ex and I talked on the phone and I told him that we could leave our children a million dollars when we die but the best gift would be for them to see us together and for us to be friends." He was surprised and didn't argue with this. I guess he thought the same. He asked me why and I said "It's the right thing to do. For the children and grandchildren and for us. "

He has agreed and so TODAY we are seeing each other for the first time in ten years at our granddaughter, Chloe's 3rd birthday. I have to leave in a moment to be there on time.

They say you can learn alot of wisdom from watching the birds and the insects. I know five children and four grandchildren who will benefit from the knowledge I gleamed that morning.

It's time for an atonement. to take place. Remember, if I can do it, you can do it too.

I love you all and value your friendship and the love you leave on this space.

always...Julieann...always

There Was a Child Went Forth

Walt Whitman

Poem lyrics of There Was a Child Went Forth by Walt Whitman.

There was a child went forth every day;
And the first object he look'd upon, that object he became;
And that object became part of him for the day, or a certain part of
the day, or for many years, or stretching cycles of years.
The early lilacs became part of this child,
And grass, and white and red morning-glories, and white and red clover, and the song of the phoebe-bird,
And the Third-month lambs, and the sow's pink-faint litter, and the mare's foal, and the cow's calf,
And the noisy brood of the barn-yard, or by the mire of the pond-side,
And the fish suspending themselves so curiously below there--and the beautiful curious liquid,
And the water-plants with their graceful flat heads--all became part of him.
The field-sprouts of Fourth-month and Fifth-month became part of him;
Winter-grain sprouts, and those of the light-yellow corn, and the esculent roots of the garden,
And the apple-trees cover'd with blossoms, and the fruit afterward,
and wood-berries, and the commonest weeds by the road;
And the old drunkard staggering home from the out-house of the tavern, whence he had lately risen,
And the school-mistress that pass'd on her way to the school,
And the friendly boys that pass'd--and the quarrelsome boys,
And the tidy and fresh-cheek'd girls--and the barefoot negro boy and girl,
And all the changes of city and country, wherever he went.
His own parents,
He that had father'd him, and she that had conceiv'd him in her womb, and birth'd him,
They gave this child more of themselves than that;
They gave him afterward every day--they became part of him.

P.S.  I just got back from Chloe's birthda party and my ex wasn't there. My daughter said he was sick. So what matters hear is "intention" and my children see it and each of them hugged me and assured me they knew very well my intention and they thanked me.  sigh. May the force be with me...sigh

I am really sad. My third daughter, Kelli, left today to live on the west coast of Florida. She resigned from her job as Governor Sonny Purdue's photographer and accepted a job as the youth director of a large Methodist Church. She has worked with the youth for many years. She loves them and they love her. What's not to love with Kelli. She broke down when she told the governor that she was resigning. I think they both cried. She is very close to him and his family and thinks he is one of the finest men she has ever known. He loves his family and in many ways Kelli looked at him as a father figure.

So the other night, my other three daughters, Kimberly, Deena, and Lindsay met me at Kelli's adorable little apartment near downtown Atlanta and we started packing up her stuff. One of the girls put music on and pumped up the volume and we were singing and dancing as we carried and stacked the boxes. Deena, who is probably the most organized, took the kitchen and the cabinets, Kim took the bedroom and Lindsay and I did the living room. Kelli is not only a professional photographer but she is also a painter and so we wrapped her precious art and packed it away. None of us really wanted to look at the empty walls. Every so often one of the girls would start to cry and we would all hesitate and hug Kelli and then we would go right back to our tasks.

I watched them closely that night, as if I were a spirit and not a person.  I felt a contented feeling inside. They really loved each other and accepted each other. They are as tight as the sisters in the book "Little Women" and with pride I say "They are MY little women." Its been quite a while since any of them had a fight. I can't begin to tell you the cat fights they used to have with each other. I used to sit back with a bag of popcorn and watch them as if I were watching some passionate Italian opera. I should have sold tickets. GEEEZZZZ. They were just hilarious sometimes and we sit back now and talk about all the scenes of their past and of course each time, it is told, it gets a little more dramatic then the time before.

They have come to realize how precious time is and nothing is worth any sort of separation. There is this holy silence that we are together, today...NOW. No one knows when one is going to be missing in the family pictures we just took off the walls. I watched them and