Inside my World

My Father...Captain K. J. Nordstrom

For all our courageous veterans, and for those who still serve, I say a thousand times and a thousand more ...thank you.

A Grateful Daughter and an American,

Julieann

Last week I headed out at first light to capture the lake on a very wet and foggy morning. I ran into my neighbor dog, Molly, and she went along with me.

The road to the lake is my favorite and there are beautiful scenes that I can't help but take thousands of pictures of in all the seasons. I can never get enough and I pinch myself that at this time in my life, I live in a cottage on a farm with a magical forests, creeks, lake and precious creatures great and small.

I hadn't been to the lake since all the rain has fallen this month and I thought there would be some cool pictures waiting for me and they were. It was so hauntingly beautiful, I transformed into my zone and my spirit just guided me to the spiritual places. 

I was into the shoot for about 45 minutes when I came upon a rope fence where a fence was going to go up. I wasn't thinking when I put my leg over the bottom rope and put my hand down to brace myself. When I want to get to the other side of something to take a picture, I will walk over logs, wade through creeks and rivers, climb a tree, jump on a horse...ask anyone who knows me :/

Suddenly I was being ZAPPED BIG TIME from a live electrical fence. This is the second time this has happened to me. You would think I would have learned my lesson but I really mean it when I say I am in a "zone" when I am caught up in the mysterious realm of this world.  Somehow I made it to the other side and I ended up lying on the wet ground holding my cameras up. Molly was licking my face and whimpering. Boy, that really woke me up and it hurt bad. I clamored  to my feet and felt a little strange but then I saw what made me go through the fence and here it is.

I am a big fan of Joseph Campbell and he says  

"When you follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in your field of bliss, and they open doors to you.  I say, follow your bliss and don't be afraid, and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be.

Joseph Campbell

Glad I made it through this door...Whew!!!

This slide show was made from photographs of a week-end I spent in isolation preparing myself for serious and risky eye surgery. The surgery was on Tuesday and my doctor warned me that it was extremely bold and  risky. He wanted to make sure I understood that there was a possibility that I would never see again after that day. As always, I said "Let's do it anyway. Make sure you get a good night's sleep. okay? " He smiled big and set it up. Yep...bold and risky...that's me. Not true. You can't even imagine how alone and bleak it felt at times. It's been so scary in this battle with blindness . Not knowing each morning if you will see the sun coming up but bearing inside this wonderful expectancy that few have. Somehow sprinkley magic permeates the air.

I spent three days alone at a friend's chalet on Lake Lanier with the dog. I woke up in the dark and made my way down the steep hill to the dock where the old boat sat. The boat that looked just like the one my father took me out on when I was a young girl. This  slide show is a visual of the gift I was given that morning. Jump wholeheartedly into the moment and tell me if you feel the magic or tell me I am crazy. Perhaps it will be a gift to someone else out there who is facing fear or despair in it's face.

Eckhart Tolle wrote  about  these kind of moments.

"On the surface it seems that the present moment is only one of many, many moments. Each day of your life appears to consists of thousands of moments where different things happen. Yet if you look more deeply, is there not only one moment, ever? Is life ever not “this moment?”
This one moment — Now — the only thing you can never escape from, the one constant factor in your life. No matter what happens, no matter how much your life changes, one thing is certain: it's always Now.
Since there is no escape from the Now, why not welcome it, become friendly with it?"

always...Julieann...always

BTW...bold and risky pay off most of the time because you really have to believe with all your heart and mind. Being in the belief mode is a powerful healer.

Please read my blog before looking at my video.

I was a little stunned (to say the least) that my dear "spirit" friend, Stephen Craig, has been battling colon cancer this year. Thank goodness he has ONE more chemo treatment left and it's next week. I can honestly say this man is a lovely man and a dear heart to me and to everyone who has read his poems and seen the depth of feeling he puts into his paintings and words. The longer I know him, the more I find out that we have lots in common as fellow humanitarians and as artists. If I could see his parents face to face, I would give them lots of kisses for giving the world, Stephen Craig.

I have also had a challenging year with three more eye operations fighting for my sight from the disease of Glaucoma. I think I have had 14 (give or take) surgeries. Hopefully, that is the end of the surgeries. I can take my sunglasses off now in certain light situations and that's why I put that particular picture of me up for my profile because you are used to seeing me with sunglasses most of the time. I am squinting but the good news is I could not have done this for the last three years. Light was too blinding.

I had a real scare in May with breast cancer but it turned out to be benign. One of my daughters was assaulted by two men which makes me CRAZY just to write it. AND last month an MRI showed up two brain tumors which are benign but THERE. I can't remember the name of them but it rhymes with Ninja and you put a noma at the end.  Aren't I so smart :) Oh...AND menopause has hit me :(

LOL...life is never dull, is it? I NEVER wanted a boring life anyway. I believe I have had a gigantic spiritual growth year and I am very grateful for ALL adversity because I would never know that it is possible to love more than I already do.

I LOVE all animals, great and small. I have hundreds of birds flying around my cottage and my five children tell their friends that to visit me is like visiting Snow White except I don't have the voice. This summer, SIX hummingbirds picked my cottage and feeders to sustain themselves. I have never had SIX. They brought me so much joy and happiness and it was hard to get them to stay still for a group shot. There strong little wings and gigantic  hearts filled dark little places of fear for me. They super encouraged me. They have left now and though I feel sad when I took the feeders down, I already have an anticipation for next summer when they return.  This slide show is for Stephen Craig Rowe who  has the same effect on me as the hummingbirds. I am looking forward to many more years of friendship with him as my artist bud.  This is also for ALL those that need the nectar of the testimony of the mighty hummingbirds.

always...Julieann...always

P.S. I hope the music isn't too heavy for some. To me it's empowering so I hope it is the same for you.

Four characteristics  anyone who possesses them a sheer hypocrite, and anyone who possesses one of them possesses a characteristic of hypocrisy till he or she abandons it:

when she is trusted she  betrays their trust,

when she  talks she lies,

when she makes a covenant she acts treacherously

and when she quarrels she abuses. 

Muhammad

Oh, what a tangled web we weave,
When first we practice to deceive!

Sir Walter Scott

My daughter asked me this morning if I still blogged. There I was on the spot. I had to give an honest answer and I said "starting back today."

sigh...I have wanted to come back for almost a year now. I had something HORRIBLE happen here on spaces and it was big time BETRAYEL from someone I trusted. I am a very loyal person so when someone I trust betrays me it really knocks me down. Over the years I have been able to deal with betrayal better and am grateful that I found out early because then I didn't have to ever second guess when I had some tiny bubbles of doubt floating around. What is that saying ?...hmmm..."It is worth the five dollars that a friend steals just for the knowledge of the "friend." Something like that.

I have many faithful, loyal and wonderful friends on spaces. I stay in "phone contact" with at least five. You have gone through all the eye surgeries with me and have cheered me on in many scary scary places as I have fought blindness for 15 years. You notice my photographs and write super encouraging things. You know I have PTSD and that I flaunt it because there is no shame in having survived very traumatic life altering events. I believe with all my heart that I am a more "enhanced" human because I am more aware. My definition of spiritual is “an elevated sense of awareness” which leads to an over-flowing gratitude for all that is good and beautiful. I hope I don’t sound like I am preaching because that is far from it. I am allowing myself to be very vulnerable because I want to keep my connection with you and put this behind me.

This is a portrait I did of a baby. The picture was perfect and clear for my client. S

he had no idea that this is what I was seeing.

There was a period of time when I could not see what was on the computer. The light from the screen was blinding and I always had to have someone check my pictures to see if they were clear and they were but I HAD to have help. Not easy when you are a professional photographer. I had about 12 surgeries at that time for my acute Glaucoma. Someone that I felt close to in spaces asked if she could be “my eyes” and fix my space up and all. I decided to trust her because she was a mother and was a practicing “Christian.” I don’t know why I still trust people that have to tell me they are a devout Christian instead of just saying “I am trust-worthy.” If I hear those words, it’s almost with certainty that I am about to be “duped.” Darn!!! Sorry if this offends anyone but that is my own personal experience for ½ of a decade and that’s that. The greatest people I know never have to say about their personal beliefs. Just DO WHAT YOU SAID YOU WOULD DO!!!!!!

So I gave her my password and she did lots of nice and creative things and after a couple months, I had this “churning” feeling inside and I just asked her if she has ever looked at my personal e-mails? I asked her straight on and didn’t give her a chance to come up with a good answer and she burst out crying and said “yes, she had.” GHHHHEEEEESHHHHHHHH! I had so many e-mails from soldiers and people who have had incredible personal trauma and had written me because I say in my profile I have PTSD and I believe in victory with that so they reached out to a fellow “soldier.”

When I heard this, I just said “Shame on you and if you really feel contrite you will announce on your blog that you betrayed me and took advantage of my disability and trusting heart.” She never did and quickly took my picture down on her blog and carried on with her life. It affected me so much, I couldn’t come back here just as if my blog was raped just like a home that dirty hands and minds have ransacked. Incredible violation and I am sure there are many out there who have experienced the same.

When I read a comment months ago that my photographer friend, Horst, wrote on my space like “Hey Julieann, why don’t you write anymore? Is everything okay?” I was still raw but did not have the courage to tell him there was something wrong.

Now, I feel said my peace and feel like I had a major emotional cleansing. Ahhhh…boy, I have so much to share with you and want to catch up with you. Amazing, what can happen to a person in a year, isn’t it?

always…Julieann…always

P.S. I have a strong password now and don’t really need that kind of help anymore. I looked into my inbox just now and there are 5000 e-mails. I am deleting them and starting out from scratch.

Oh, what a tangled web we weave,
When first we practice to deceive!

Sir Walter Scott

My oldest daughter, Kimberly, has the family curse and that is "fear of heights." My mother had it, my brother had it and he was a fireman :( and three of my children and myself. We have it to such a degree when cannot drive over certain bridges. Kimberly had it the worst. You DO NOT want to go over even a medium size bridge with Kim or you will think you are on a rollers coaster without tracks. She is the director of a successful boys rehab center. She took all her boys to go sky diving and then she decided she wanted to get over her fear and she JUMPED!!! YEAH KIM!!! Of course, no one in the family can watch the video unless we are lying on the floor.

It has opened all kinds of doors to incredible experiences for her. I would say she is a more enhanced person because she walked through her trauma because she trusted. If she can do it, so can I.

Hi Everyone!

I just called my dearest friend of thirty something years. We have been through it all and the test of time has proven that it is a real, honest to goodness friendship. I called her this morning and said "Merry Christmas, dear Judy." I instantly felt bad when I heard her heavy voice say "Oh, Merry Christmas, Julieann." Immediately I said "I am so sorry I said that trite greeting. Please forgive me." She said that's all right. Judy just lost her oldest son, Greg, just before Thanksgiving. I was in Colorado on a week long photo shoot when she called and told me this horrible event. She found him dead at his computer. He was 40 years old. They are still doing an inquiry into his death but it doesn't matter. He is gone. Judy is suffering the worst agony a parent can experience. I can't take it from her.

 I have a hard time titling my blog "Merry Christmas!" because there are so many out there who are having a day of red red pain. Many of us have had those kinds of Christmas's and it seems as if the world outside is all happy. Sometimes, time heals and helps. Sometimes it never does. In my case, time has really helped. This is the first Christmas in a long time, I have felt a deep peace and joy throughout the month and especially today, Christmas 2008. This didn't come by chance either. I will explain at another time.

Christmas 2008...it is what it is and I am doing my part in putting some pictures up of the world I live in and see, that might warm your heart in a special way.

                                    always...Julieann...always

This is the world I live in. It's for real. I look outside my bedroom window and I see the barn ...

and it just takes a few minutes to walk up there. There are all these sweet animals up there and the amazing thing is they love each other. In my fantasy, I have always wanted to live a life like the painting John Hicks did "The Peaceable Kingdom." Where the lion lies with the sheep and so forth.

I call mine  "The Juiceable Kingdom" because it all seems to blend so well. I bring people out here who are sad or need something special to happen and they pet all these little animals and they become like children. I hope by sharing them, you will feel like a child as well.

One morning in October, I had the coffee brewing and I walked over to the kitchen window as I always do. I saw something was very different in the paddock behind my cottage. I tried to make out what it was and I suddenly realized there were about sixty large pumpkins laying all over the place. I smiled as a little girl because it felt like the "Pumpkin Fairy" had visited me. It turned out the man that owns the farm was going to sell pumpkins this year. All month I enjoyed this wonderful scene. My grandchildren were elated and said "Our Nina has almost 100 pumpkins growing in her backyard!" I am sure their little friends hardly believe any of their stories but they are all true. Can you imagine how cool this was for me and then to see the little animals around them. sigh

"Close your bodily eye, that you may see your    picture first with the eye of the spirit."

In the last ten days, I have taken at least 10,000 pictures. I know that sounds like a lot but in all actually it's not for me. I have pictures of farms, animals, lakes, rivers , sailing, people I love, my son's tennis tournament, my granddaughter visiting me on the farm  and all the beautiful things that live in these places.

One morning, I am on the farm walking past the deer and I see movement in the fields and I just wait. I can feel their presence and I know they feel mind. I can't see them clearly but I take pictures where I feel their energy. Later, on a large monitor, I see them. I can't even begin to tell you how much they effect me in a spiritual way...they are the angels of the field...

As I pass them , I head down to where the horses cross the creek. I want to be there when they do this. They are all in line, walking into a new day. I do video work as well and sometimes I sit in the creek, down a bit and catch them from the side, through the bushes. It is not unusual for me to come back to the cottage , soaking wet and full of mud.

Another morning, I am on the lake on the farm, filming the herons, geese and ducks...then

another early morning I am on a sailboat with my friends from Holland, Bernard and Annelies and we want to sail into the path the sun rolls out...

Another morning, I am in a kayak. with my friend Dan in front of me, guiding me to the mysteries of the great river, photographing swans, hawks, Blue Herons ....

These pictures were taken by Dan. I know it seems strange to be talking on a cell phone early in the morning in a kayak on the river but a couple of my five children wake up early and they love to call me and see what I am doing. It is not unusual for me to say any of these answers:

I am on the river kayaking.

I am following the sheep in the pasture.

I am sitting in the creek, waiting for the horses to cross.

I am riding in the woods. ( I have had to sell my horses so they don't hear that anymore but that was not an unusual answer back then.

I am sitting in a tree watching the Heron's nesting.

My children adore me for loving life and embracing it so tightly, I can actually squeeze the juice out it...or so it seems. They have the same passion. They were raised by a mother that pointed out all the wonder in this world.

The special hour is when the sun comes up. This is the time my eyes don't feel pain. For a few minutes, I can look at everything with my sunglasses off and the gentle wind kisses my eyes. If the wind is strong, it hurts but that gentle wind is my lover of my eyes.

With incredible anticipation, I am compelled to show up as if I were going to visit my mother. When the sun comes up, it feels as if she is peeking her head over the sheets and greeting me with that beautiful smile of hers. Even though she has been dead for over 15 years, the closest  feeling to being with her is when I stand there and watch the sun and feel it's warmth on my face. 

I need my mother right now and so I am running to her  like a panic. Next Tuesday I have my 11th eye operation and I wish I could say I feel courageous but I feel terrified. I don't want anymore operations!  Many of you have gone through them with me and you know when the time comes, I will do what I have to do in order not to lose my sight completely. If this operation is successful, I will be able to handle more light. Of course there is a risk and I could lose my sight completely but I am a natural risk taker when the result is a better life.

That's why I photograph early in the morning or the hours before sundown. As you know, I am light blind. Most blind people are light blind and that's why you see then wearing glasses. I always thought it was because they were trying to hide their eyes because they looked strange and scary but that's not true. I wear my sunglasses everywhere. Only in the early morning, do I not put them on. I think my  most beautiful photographs are taken in the magic hour of the morning and late evening. It is a nuisance to wear dark glasses and look through the lens of the camera and even then it's as if cellophane is over the lens. I have a highly developed instinct and it is that which tells me when to take the picture. I can FEEL a scene. I shoot down by the lake many mornings and I can tell the geese are in a certain pattern that is like a beautiful painting.

Just as I love to be surrounded by nature, I also love to be surround by the people who love me and have stayed on this path with me. So patient and always there with loving and affirming words. I just want to keep you up to date. All of you have your own personal challenges and we are all vulnerable to anything that can change our life. The important thing is that it doesn't change us and that we never give up. NEVER!!!

"When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world."  George Washington Carver

"The fishermen know that the sea is dangerous and the storm terrible, but they have never found these dangers sufficient reason for remaining on shore."

                                               Vincent Van Gogh

I love you!!!

always...Julieann. "Juicy" .

..always

P.S. By the time I post this blog, I will have had the operation. I didn't get to put all the pictures in when I wrote it so I saved it as a draft until a friend could help. I am recovering now. Other blogs will be posted that I saved as drafts as well.

Hi Space Friends!

It seems like FOREVER since I shared my life with you. I have truly missed you. Thanks for leaving me your loving notes.

I made some personal decisions, followed my heart and listened to my inner voice. These decisions have effected my life in positive ways. I stopped blogging in order to see if staying off the computer screen would help heal my eyes, if that were possible.  I could not stay completely away from the computer because I am a professional photographer and have no choice. I NOW have a part time assistant, Dan, and he is a huge help. I also have some personal friends who have brain tumors and other trials and I concentrated on helping and encouraging them.

When my vision was the worst, I was wearing high powered glasses and they helped sometimes. I panicked without them. I am "light blind" which means "lights" hurt my eyes and I wear sunglasses most of the time. More people who are blind are "light Blind" then seeing dark.

I was very discouraged because this limited my life and took away the independence I have fought so hard for all my life. I wanted to jump in a car and drive anywhere at anytime I wanted. I went to a friend of mine who is part Cherokee Indian and a natural healer and I asked her if there was anything I could do to bring energy and healing to my eyes. I told her that the pressure wasn't coming back and the doctor was puzzled to why this was. She said that I needed to do two things.

1. Take the powerful glasses off and allow my eyes to heal on their own. That made sense, so I took them off even though it put me back a little. 

2. She told me to dance as often as I could and I have done that. I dance alone in the cottage, in the fields and am now taking my second course in ballroom dancing. YEAH!! They dim the dance floor just for me so it doesn't hurt my eyes.

Pics of a client

My The Third Eye and the Pineal Gland is very powerful and it feels the picture. A fact from a pro...feeling is more important than clarity in photography and that applies to other things in life. If the photographer feels, the feeling embeds in the image.

My focus would change from day to day, according to how long I was in bright light, on the computer, how many pictures I took, if I cried hard...lots of circumstances. Each day unexpected. Very frustrating and at times I would want to scream. Deep inside I felt I had been given a gift of knowledge and I have been given a chance to share it with the world and give hope, so I kept on and kept on and I never considered quitting even though a few "friends" encouraged me to do so and to find another profession. I got rid of those "friends" quickly. My life expanded with that action.

My vision has improved to the degree that I am able to drive safely at certain times with very special sunglasses that were specifically made for me. This is HUGE. My gratitude can fill oceans.

There is so much more I want to share but it will be too long. I am glad to be back. I can't wait to catch up with you, space friends and share once again our sorrows, joys and triumphs and pictures of the people and things we  value . 

with love,

Julieann

Guess what? I got a dog! His name is Foxy.

I have been waiting years for another little friend. I will put pictures up of him and his first day on the farm when to my shock, some of the horses attacked poor Foxy. I have never seen this before. I will add them to the blog later after I have rested my eyes.

“To the attentive eye, each moment of the year has its own beauty, and in the same field, it beholds, every hour, a picture which was never seen before, and which shall never be seen again”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Happy New Year, Space Friends!!!

I know I haven't blogged since October. I really didn't know what to say because one thing came after another and when I wanted to write about a situation or an event, like a jack in the box, another would pop up. Many times I sat down to write and I was too exhausted to finish it. I am sure many of you know what I am talking about.

Sometimes, I would look at my blog or the guest book and see people I knew and loved and new visitors and I would want to write back but there were so many people, I knew it would take half a day to visit and I never found that half day. Please don't think I take any of you for granted. I am so grateful for the kind words and hellos.

I have had some interesting professional shoots in my photography and have worked in unusual situations, to say the least and have some interesting observations on life, relationships, nature, church, strangers, new friends and the agony of betrayal and the joy of loyalty. This past year I have let go of some people and welcomed new people into my life. I will always take the risk of finding real and authentic people. They are out there.

Right now, I just want to say "Happy New Year!!!" to all those I love and who love me. I hope you are looking forward to 2008 and I am sorry for all the personal loss you experienced in 2007. There are so many who have suffered this past year and I am sorry.

Here's to another year...another breath...another chance...new beginnings and spiritual prosperity.

Salute!!!!!!!

always...Julieann...always

This month, my baby girl, Lindsay Erin, turned twenty-five. I have four daughters and one son and four grandchildren. My oldest is 37 and my oldest grand-daughter , Alexia, turned 15 this month.

I wanted to do something really fun with Lindsay and so I met her at a very popular restaurant downtown Atlanta, call T.J. Thomas. It is a funky place and has lots of cool things, like birds.

I arrived before Lindsay and I asked Mr. Thomas if he could do anything special for my daughter. He thought for half a second and disappeared and came out with all these birds. I laughed out loud because it was so outrageous, just like me. I even took my sunglasses off but I couldn't do it for very long because the light was painful.

Lindsay walked into the place and looked around for me and heard this voice singing "Happy Bird-day to you...Happy Bird-day to you...Happy Bird-day dear Lindsay, Happy Bird-day to you!" She couldn't believe her eyes.

I was covered with birds. She stood there and laughed and laughed and said "Only you, Mom!" Everyone in the restaurant applauded and then Mr. Thomas put birds all over the two of us and some really nice guy at the next table took the pictures.

I gave her the book "How to live Juicy" and a CD with my favorite songs because we have the same taste. We had a fantastic time and there was no doubt in anyone's mind that we had a special relationship with intimacy, fun and silliness. Why would anyone want to live an ordinary life when it can be EXTRODINARY and JUICY?

Lindsay is very successful by my definition of success and she did it all on her own. She is one of the most determined young women I know. She doesn't know the word NO. Of course, apples don't fall far from the tree. Life wasn't that easy for Lindsay, having a father who was a minister and a mother who was a free spirited artist. Being a preacher's kid is tough and having the church watch you all the time. She has fared well though. She is an amazing artist. For my birthday in July, she gave me this book she made for me. I wish you could see it in person because this doesn't do it justice. I TREASURE this book. I was going to take the part out when she said I was pretty so I didn't look like I was bragging but HEY if your kid thinks you are pretty...FLAUNT it because kids don't always say these things out loud. Pretty is what pretty does and Lindsay does it...trust me on that.

Well, I wanted to share this with my space friends to reassure them that I LOVE my life even though I have limitations and challenges. Who doesn't? I hope that all of you have Happy Bird-days this year even if you have had some sad ones. We all do. You are not alone.

May the bird be with you this year and may you spread your wings and fly into the next year and be glad we have been given another to change the things we can and accept the things we can't, with dignity and grace.

A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey, but a woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey that she will become strong.

Hello from the beach!

Hi everyone! I have been at the west coast beach of Florida, near the panhandle, for the last two weeks. I came with my Dutch friends, Annelies and Bernard. They live not too far from the farm and we do lots of things together. They take me sailing on beautiful Lanier and are teaching me how to sail. They wait until late afternoon so my eyes can handle the light.

.They also take me biking  down beautiful trails in Georgia. They help me when I cycle and tell me when there is a crack or bump in the road and I seem to do very well.

I had an opportunity to invite them to the beach to just get away for awhile and to enjoy the sun and ride our bikes into the darling little quaint town in Seagrove, which is not too far from the rented house. I really really love them. They have been married for 45 years and are the most amazing example of a marriage that is vibrant and alive. I just love to watch them. We sit around at night and play the game Parcheesi and watch old black and white movies or we take walks on the beach or catch a play in town.

 They are intellects and we have incredible discussions on all kinds of topics. We cook, drink wine and laugh a lot. I film them doing the Tango on the living room floor or on the beach. Sometimes, I dance with one or the other. They are good for my soul. They love the arts and are artists themselves. Bernard is a gifted painter and Annelies makes beautiful quilts and other things with fabric. We have a lot in common. Mostly it’s their view that all humans have worth and dignity and are to be treated as such.

They came here to be with me because October is my tough month, when tragedy and death have visited me in my past. To have friends sit in the space you are in whether it be sadness, illness or celebrating is one of the greatest gifts there is. Pain shared cuts in half.

I was so shocked when I got a personal e-mail congratulating me on being featured on MSN. I feel so honored and reading  all these comments from new people and others who have lost their vision or are visually challenged, makes this not so scary. 

I have a little time to catch up here and share some juicy stories.

always...Julieann...always

Hi Everyone!

Someone asked me at a dinner party about a month ago, "Juicy, have you always been so wild?" The woman was close to seventy and was a very respected horse trainer. Everyone at the table, about 12, stopped talking when she asked this. I looked at everyone and said, "Do you all think I am wild?" They all nodded their heads yes and one said "Hell yes!" I asked the woman what she meant by "wild."

She said "So passinate...so alive...so energetic...so affectionate." I laughed because I almost took this as an insult thinking she meant slutty or something negative and realized she meant it in a positive way. I told everyone that I didn't think of myself as being wild but I did think most people are kinda dried up, boring and that they sold themselves out somewhere along the way. Everyone agreed and it led to an interesting discussion.

I believe that because I suffer from PTSS that it has enhanced me in a way that wouldn't be there unless I had known trauma. I see things differently. I feel love more deeply, kindness, goodness and I  embrace it fully when I come upon these moments. Because I have known black despair, I see and appreciate the white moments. I am grateful to have been given another go-around...so to speak.  I think ingratitude is the unforgivable sin. I am so grateful that it has made me wild with gratitude. I hope everyone can feel this alive. Some of us have been given another chance and so let's live it wildly and dance.

By the way, I took my first dance lesson a little more than a month ago. I used to be a really good dancer in jr high and high school.  My first husband was insanely jealous and possessive. If a guy looked at me as if he thought I was attractive, my Sicilian husband would reach under his three piece pin-striped suit and pull a gun out of his holster and point it at him and threaten him because he looked at his wife "with lust." I was a Soprano wife.

Since I have been single for the last ten years, I have had several very attractive boyfriends who wanted to take me dancing. I panicked each time and I just couldn't do it. I have wanted so much to get through this barrier.

An Indian woman friend of mine told me that if I wanted to have healing in my eyes, I should dance. She said "Dance as often as you can. Your eyes will get better. I remembered this slide show I made where I took all these sea birds and put them to this song like they were line dancing and stuff. I have always liked to watch people dance and letting go. if you would like to watch it, just click  Everybody Dance Now.

I met someone who is very special.  One of the sweetest men I have ever known.. He arranged for me to have lessons and I am being taught in the dark, with no lights on. It's so much easier to dance without looking at the steps in front of you and let your body feel the music. It's good and healthy to feel senuous, to feel wild and passinate, no matter what your age. Allow yourself to be loved just because you are you. Don't settle for anything less. Dancing in the dark is as close to the stars as you can get and suddenly you start to shine and you dance on and never look back. You just have to be willing to take that first step.

I have done some other REALLY different things in my life lately. I am going to share them with you later because the computer screen hurts my eyes right now. My life style has changed and I feel something wonderful occurring within me as if I am going through a new and better passageway.

I have to leave right now. I have taken up cycling and am going with a friend down to the beautiful river and ride by it as the sun comes up. When it is dark, it is impossible for me to see so I need help and verbal instructions, like "Watch out!!! There is a wall in front of you!

I was on Tybee Island Beach and saw this couple who were very much in love. She was taking Tango lessons and was a beginner. He was really good. I asked them if they would do the Tango and dance in the sand early in the morning. when the sun is coming ip. They said "Sure! We would LOVE that!!" So they met me and I took these pictures and put them to music and gave it to them as a present. They both went to Boston University. Very much in love!!!!! I LOVE WHAT I DO!!!!!!   I do WHATEVER I WANT and I GIVE WHENEVER I CAN and I LOVE WITH ALL MY HEART...always and forever, sick or well, blind or sighted, sighted or blind.... Come and enjoy this moment I had with these two wonderful and passinate people. Sand Dancing

P.S. In my last blog, I wrote about having an "Atonement" with my ex husband. Since I wrote that, his ex wife, the one he got his 8 year marriage annulled from because she did not have a biblical divorce, called me and shared with me some things that my husband was saying and has been doing. I thought I couldn't be shocked anymore but I was.  And I learned other things that other family members have said. So all hell broke loose. No screaming on my part but a new "understanding" I have now. All I can say is Watch out when two ex-wives get together and share notes. Wish I could give you a "happily ever after " but it's life. it is what it is.

Seeing with better eyes "We can recognize that the offender 
is a valuable human being who struggles with the same needs, 
pressures, and confusions that we struggle with. We will recognize 
that the incident really may not have been about us in the first place. 
Instead it was about the wrongdoer’s misguided attempt to meet his 
or her own needs. 
As we regard offenders from this point of view 
(regardless of whether they repent and regardless of what
they have done or suffered), 
we will be in a position to forgive them.

Holmgren

It is freeing to become aware that we do not have to be victims of our past 
and can learn new ways of responding. But there is a step beyond 
this recognition... It is the step of forgiveness. Forgiveness is love 
practiced among people who love poorly. It sets us free without 
wanting anything in return.

Henry Nouwen

I have been going through a mighty struggle within myself.  I was sitting on the porch of my cottage a few mornings ago, watching the sun rise and the birds appearing one by one. It has been really hot here and so I take full advantage of the early morning coolness before the heat impregnates it.

I have been obsessed with watching the hummingbirds everyday trying to drink from their feeder with the wasps and bees taking it over. I have sat for hours with my telephoto lens, clicking hundreds of pictures of the birds and the insects trying to replenish themselves with the sugared water. I have held my breath, hoping that the little hummingbird doesn't get stung. I have asked so many people "Can a hummingbird get stung and if it does, can it die?" Seems like no one has seen it happen but they think so.

So I have been clicking picture after picture and blowing it up on my screen to see what exactly is going on. I have some really cool pictures to put up for you to see that will surprise and amaze you like they have me. I can't put them up yet because I have not converted them to small files.

What really shocked me were several dozen images of the hummingbird, the wasps and the bees all drinking at the same time. I sighed when I saw it and thought "It's about time they all got along and made peace with each other." That caused me to think "Have I made peace with those who have stung me?"  The other question that I am always asking myself is "What can I do on this earth to make my children's lifes better?"

Their father and step-father, my ex-husband and I ( the preacher) have not really spoken very much for 12 years. I have wanted the two of us to be at the children's functions, like graduating, birthdays, grand-babies being born and any of their celebrations but he hasn't agreed to this for whatever reasons. It must be too painful and bitter still. He hurt me and I hurt him.

As I saw the bird and stinging insects drinking together, I thought, "Its time. It's time for an atonement. To make peace and do the right thing."

My ex and I talked on the phone and I told him that we could leave our children a million dollars when we die but the best gift would be for them to see us together and for us to be friends." He was surprised and didn't argue with this. I guess he thought the same. He asked me why and I said "It's the right thing to do. For the children and grandchildren and for us. "

He has agreed and so TODAY we are seeing each other for the first time in ten years at our granddaughter, Chloe's 3rd birthday. I have to leave in a moment to be there on time.

They say you can learn alot of wisdom from watching the birds and the insects. I know five children and four grandchildren who will benefit from the knowledge I gleamed that morning.

It's time for an atonement. to take place. Remember, if I can do it, you can do it too.

I love you all and value your friendship and the love you leave on this space.

always...Julieann...always

There Was a Child Went Forth

Walt Whitman

Poem lyrics of There Was a Child Went Forth by Walt Whitman.

There was a child went forth every day;
And the first object he look'd upon, that object he became;
And that object became part of him for the day, or a certain part of
the day, or for many years, or stretching cycles of years.
The early lilacs became part of this child,
And grass, and white and red morning-glories, and white and red clover, and the song of the phoebe-bird,
And the Third-month lambs, and the sow's pink-faint litter, and the mare's foal, and the cow's calf,
And the noisy brood of the barn-yard, or by the mire of the pond-side,
And the fish suspending themselves so curiously below there--and the beautiful curious liquid,
And the water-plants with their graceful flat heads--all became part of him.
The field-sprouts of Fourth-month and Fifth-month became part of him;
Winter-grain sprouts, and those of the light-yellow corn, and the esculent roots of the garden,
And the apple-trees cover'd with blossoms, and the fruit afterward,
and wood-berries, and the commonest weeds by the road;
And the old drunkard staggering home from the out-house of the tavern, whence he had lately risen,
And the school-mistress that pass'd on her way to the school,
And the friendly boys that pass'd--and the quarrelsome boys,
And the tidy and fresh-cheek'd girls--and the barefoot negro boy and girl,
And all the changes of city and country, wherever he went.
His own parents,
He that had father'd him, and she that had conceiv'd him in her womb, and birth'd him,
They gave this child more of themselves than that;
They gave him afterward every day--they became part of him.

P.S.  I just got back from Chloe's birthda party and my ex wasn't there. My daughter said he was sick. So what matters hear is "intention" and my children see it and each of them hugged me and assured me they knew very well my intention and they thanked me.  sigh. May the force be with me...sigh

I am really sad. My third daughter, Kelli, left today to live on the west coast of Florida. She resigned from her job as Governor Sonny Purdue's photographer and accepted a job as the youth director of a large Methodist Church. She has worked with the youth for many years. She loves them and they love her. What's not to love with Kelli. She broke down when she told the governor that she was resigning. I think they both cried. She is very close to him and his family and thinks he is one of the finest men she has ever known. He loves his family and in many ways Kelli looked at him as a father figure.

So the other night, my other three daughters, Kimberly, Deena, and Lindsay met me at Kelli's adorable little apartment near downtown Atlanta and we started packing up her stuff. One of the girls put music on and pumped up the volume and we were singing and dancing as we carried and stacked the boxes. Deena, who is probably the most organized, took the kitchen and the cabinets, Kim took the bedroom and Lindsay and I did the living room. Kelli is not only a professional photographer but she is also a painter and so we wrapped her precious art and packed it away. None of us really wanted to look at the empty walls. Every so often one of the girls would start to cry and we would all hesitate and hug Kelli and then we would go right back to our tasks.

I watched them closely that night, as if I were a spirit and not a person.  I felt a contented feeling inside. They really loved each other and accepted each other. They are as tight as the sisters in the book "Little Women" and with pride I say "They are MY little women." Its been quite a while since any of them had a fight. I can't begin to tell you the cat fights they used to have with each other. I used to sit back with a bag of popcorn and watch them as if I were watching some passionate Italian opera. I should have sold tickets. GEEEZZZZ. They were just hilarious sometimes and we sit back now and talk about all the scenes of their past and of course each time, it is told, it gets a little more dramatic then the time before.

They have come to realize how precious time is and nothing is worth any sort of separation. There is this holy silence that we are together, today...NOW. No one knows when one is going to be missing in the family pictures we just took off the walls. I watched them and said to myself "They are strong. They are tight. They are fighters. They will support one another." Such an incredible contentment. This is said from the red red pain of having a brother who has chosen not to have me in his life for many years. He thinks I don't live a righteous life. He thinks I need to come back to the Lord and so he thinks he is punishing me but he is only punishing himself. If someone out here in space land isn't speaking to a sibling because of "The Lord" ...all I can say is SHAME ON YOU for using the Lord's name to justify your actions.

With that said I will get back to the other night. The girls and I worked hard and accomplished what we came for. Each kissed Kelli and held on to her for a second. We are all going to visit her especially since her back yard leads to the ocean bay.

I spent the night with her and kissed her sweet head and ran my fingers through beautiful long hair just as I did when she was growing up. I am excited for her as she heads along her path. But I am sad tonight. Just plain ol sad.

"If you bring forth that which is within you,

Then that which is within you will be your salvation.

If you do not bring forth that which is within you,

Then that which is within you will destroy you.

__from the Gnostic Gospels

As I wrote in my last blog about the effects the rape had on me and how it effected my personal and professional life, I realized that I might not have given any concrete hope. That happened about four years ago. I can't be precise about the date because my memory won't go there. All I know is that it brought back other acts that were done to me earlier on in my life. Things I thought I had closure in. I was diagnosed with PTSD in the late 80's after an attempted suicide. Trauma has a shelf life and the longest it can sit there is about ten years. For me, it came off the shelf around the tenth year. Losing my eye-sight the last few years and the invasive eye surgeries also brought back memories of traumatic events and a feeling that I couldn't protect myself like I use to.

            

I have a profound sadness for people who suffer from PTSD. There is no shame in this. There is a world full of good people who suffer from this syndrome. Hopefully the United States Military will help our women and men who come home from risking their lives for all of us. The very least we can do is help them re-enter the world and find love and acceptance and HELP to sort out the trauma they lived in. Sometimes I feel helpless in what I can personally do. I feel by bringing attention to my own experience with living with PTSD for three decades and displaying my images that prove that one can look at life in a beautiful way again, I might be able to lend hope. This is my purpose in life. There are two links here that I would like you to take a small amount of time out of your day to look at. If our soldiers can live the real trauma than we certainly can watch something that might help them live with it.

This is the link to video of the ABC evening news report of this story:

Wounded Vets http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=3372436

Suicide of soldier http://abcnews.go.com/WNT/WoodruffReports/Story?id=3067983&page=3

Here are a few comments I found in response to these videos. If you would like to make a comment on my blog, please do. I would like to know how you feel about this.

COMMENTS

My sincere prayers go out to all the military men and women and their families. Especially those who have been wounded either physically and/or emotionally. My brother is a Vietnam veteran who served his tour of duty in Vietnam and re-enlisted twice after leaving Nam. Some years later he started to suffer from reoccurring nightmares reliving his experience in Vietnam. He was forced into retirement from the USPS, his wife left him after many years of enduring his episodes of PTSD. He has never rec'd the proper treatment during many times he has been hospitalized at VA hospital even when the hospital know he will not stay on his medication and will eventually end up back in the hospital again and again. His mind has deteriorated to the point where he will no longer take proper care of his personal appearance or care. It is shameful on the VA and our government the way our veterans are treated after serving their country, many losing limbs and their lives. We need to take better care of our men and women in uniform. My brother has suffered and is still suffering, I wouldn't wish what our family have gone through on my worst enemy. I pray each and every night for all the men and women in uniform who are still in harms way.

I HOPE ABC NEWS IS HEARING THE VOICES. I KNOW THAT BOB WOODWARD WOULD BE VERY INTERESTED IN THE VA CARE FOR PTSD. THERE IS SO MUCH THEY CAN DO TO PREVENT LIVES FROM BEING LOST OR DESTROYED. KEY WORD PREVENT!!!!!!!. I HAVE MENTION THIS OVER AND OVER. THE MILITARY MAKES IT MANDATORY FOR THESE YOUNG PEOPLE TO STAY IN AND FINISH BOOT CAMP. THEY TRANSFORM THEM INTO MARINES AND SOLDIERS. THEY OWE THEM THE SAME TIME,CARE AND COMMITMENT. WHEN THEY START TO SUFFER FROM PTSD WETHER IT BE RIGHT AWAY OR YEARS FROM DISCHARGE. THEY NEED TO GRAB THEM UP WITH OPEN ARMS AND HELP THEM GET BACK TO AS NORMAL A LIFE AS POSSIBLE. REMEMBER THEY ARE MENTALLY CHALLENGED AT THE TIME AND THEY DO NEED TO COMMIT THEM AND CARE FOR THEM JUST LIKE THEY DID IN BOOT CAMP. ONCE YOU CHECK INTO BOOT CAMP YOU HAVE TO FINISH THE PROGRAM. THE SAME GOES FOR THE MENTALLY CHALLENGED WITH PTSD. KEEP THEM,TREAT THEM. AND GIVE THEM BACK THE LIFE THEY SO DESERVE. THEY PUT THEIR LIFE ON THE LINE FOR ALL OF US. I WILL CONTINUE TO PRAY FOR ALL MILITARY AND THEIR FAMILIES

My heart breaks for the #### family. It brings up my own demons that I have had to endure for the last 28 years. I am a female Viet-Nam era veteran. I was too young to see combat, but the other atrocities that can be visited upon one leaves me with my own scars. And just think, when I ets the first time, there were no services for female veterans at the v.a. hospitals. So I know what it is like to fall through the cracks. My whole life went by the wayside until 1990 when the experiences took me all the way down. I not only suffered, but, my children suffered as well. Nothing has been or ever will be right in my life because of the lack of care and concern for all of us who suffer from their military experiences.

We can not imagine what the soldiers over there are seeing...their friends being killed in the most gruesome ways, vehicles being blown up, constantly hearing bombs going off, wondering, "is today my day, am I going to live through today?" I know that the soldiers want to appear tough and that they can handle it, and going to see a mental health provider may appear as a sign of weakness but I think it's the military duty to protect these soldiers. Mental heath classes and appts should be mandatory. Going through that, for an extended period of time has to affect people, there is no way it can't affect you. Handing out a "mental health questionnaire" asking if you are suicidal just won't cut it. They need to talk to people whether they request it or not.

My heart goes out to his family and I hope he may rest in peace. I feel this is just another case of PTSD that is not being addressed!!!! There are thousands of men and women who have served and who are now serving that are suffering from this. If someone did research on this they would find hundreds that have committed suicide in Iraq and back at home. They also are suffering from drug abuse and criminal activity. The VA's answer to the problem is when they are ready to get help they will. The problem is they are not in their right minds to know they desperately need the help. I hope the media will not let this story die. There are too many young people they need help and are not getting it! They deserve the best of care. Please keep this and all the PTSD stories alive. It should be on the news every week and maybe something's will changed and lives will be saved. I pray for all families and there sons and daughters who are putting their life on the line everyday. PLEASE HELP THEM!

They need to talk to somebody who will listen and give them the help they need.

always...Julieann...always

“Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or years, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.” Lance Arnstrong

Let's help others not quit. I wanted to quit several times but was so fortunate to have others care enough about me to help me stand and now I am back in the dance.

When I took these pictures of this woman dancing, I was just recovering from my eight or ninth Glaucoma eye surgery.  Everything was blurry. I had to be guided through this private jazz festival I had been invited to. Several were surprised I brought my camera. I could feel this woman's passion and liberation across the crowd. I felt her freedom and I just clicked the camera in sync with her as if I were dancing with her. I remember laughing as I captured her energy. Experientially, one does not have to see to feel. The power of feeling is more powerful than sight.

I say this in hope that if you find you are lacking empathy for others who have been the victims of war and violent acts...just close your eyes and put yourself in their situation and think about how you would want to be treated...if you lived of course.  NO ONE IS EXEMPT OF TRAUMA. If you know someone who has been traumatized, call them and check on them. Kindness can warm a bitter winter in another's soul. I know. I am grateful for all the kind acts that helped me so I can help others. And so it goes.....

                              "Life is a painting of cherries."

Hmmmm.....I know...strange quote but then it's me, you guys. I know that "Life is a bowl of cherries" is a feel good statement and it's a trite statement to make. Tell a mother who just buried her child that and you would break her heart in a thousand more pieces or you would get punched in the face.  My adopted daughter, Yedessa, just gave birth to her first child and buried that child in a cemetery in Yemen this past month. I haven't blogged for a while because I have been spending most of my time trying to comfort my sweet daughter. She has been in red red pain and just yesterday, I heard her laugh for the first time. There is not a piece of music that would make me happier than hearing her laugh. Please keep my angel in your prayers and light many white candles for her.

The one thing that we can do is paint some cherries on a canvas when times are tough. I think red cherries are yummy and when I was a little girl, my father always gave me the cherry from his drink. I felt loved. Red is my favorite color too. I had the best Mother's Day this year. All five of my children and my four grandchildren, came out to the farm. My four daughters are amazing cooks and they brought delicious food and we all sat around the fire pit and ate and loved each other. My children are very affectionate with each other and with me. There was the usual political debates and then trying to talk one of the girls from having a boob job. I recorded the whole thing on video and if they aren't nice to me, I will put it on my blog. LOL! They probably wouldn't mind because they are so open about their life's. They all gave me wonderful gifts. My son Ryan, who is an accomplished painter,  painted a portrait of me when I was a little girl living in Casablanca, Africa.

That's me in Fatna's arms and my mother and brother on the other side of the sign. I think my skills as a photographer in capturing a person's spirit come from having to read Fatna's eyes through her veils. Their are no languages needed when you look deep into the eyes.

My brother and I pretended we had robes on like Fatna, who wrapped us in towels.

This is the painting my son gave me. It's pretty big. I was elated.  Something wonderful happened to me during the years I lived in Africa. Africa is my spiritual continent. I have an incredible burden for Africa and would like to go back one day.

Back to the story behind my painting. When my son,  called me more than a month ago and said "Mom. Today, you are going to paint your first painting and I am going to give you instructions. So let's spend the day at my house and we will sit on the back deck, under the big tree, listen to some beautiful classical music while we paint." I was so excited. I have been wanting to start painting for years but my photography over-powered it. My cottage is small and it's hard enough keeping my computers and the hundreds and hundreds of pictures and disks organized without me having canvases and paint splattered all over the place. 

Ryan asked me what I wanted to paint and I said "Three cherries" and he said that was unusual but than I wasn't your typical ordinary mother either and so he didn't question it. It was a great day and I have this painting hung in my cottage now. So this is my first official painting and I wanted to share it with all of you. TA DA!!!!

I have more to write but this is all I can do right now. Have to rest my eyes.  Will try to catch up this week-end.

I LOVE AND MISS YOU!!!! Don't forget special prayers for my precious Yedessa.

Always…Julieann…always